Recently, say about a month ago, my girlfriend was feeling
ill. She requested comfort food, which I volunteered to procure; this led me to
Dairy Queen to obtain a marshmallow and chocolate sundae for her and a Skor
blizzard of entirely too large a volume for any sane consumption for me. I entered the
establishment and made my way to the counter, attracting a great deal of
attention as I went. This is normal, currently, as I have a shaven head. My
head is shaven because I have been partaking in chemotherapy, and most, but not
all, of my hair had fallen out. The shaved pate was a concession to
convenience, cleanliness and fashion. Having obliged myself of the necessity of
the first two conditions, I was pleased to discover that my naked head is of a
pleasant shape. Having said that, I am certain that, due to my otherwise
completely Aryan physiology, I incur in others the question: is this man a
Nazi?
This was the first thing my mother asked me when first I buzzed
my hair short. My answer is the same now as it was then: SIEG HEIL, I mean no,
no I am not. Was that over the top? I can never tell.
At any rate, people stare at me a lot. Never more so than
when I am wearing a SARS mask, because I am immuno-suppressed, but that's a
given: if you see someone wearing a germ mask, it raises questions, draws the
eye. I wouldn't have thought a shaved head was that big of a deal. Maybe my
girlfriend is writing obscenities on the back of my head while I sleep. Who
knows? Certainly not I.
As I approached the counter, I noticed a foursome of college
girls off to one side, looking at Ice Cream Cakes, saying "OMG" and
waiting for their orders. This I mention only because of what happened next.
As I was waiting for the signal to come to the till to place my order, a large
man in Star Wars t-shirt came up behind me. He was approximately 6'3", about 250 lbs, and
sported both a terrible beard and a
toque in the shape of Shadow the Hedgehog's head.
This is Shadow the
Hedgehog.
Several years ago, Sega decided that Sonic wasn't edgy
enough, and set out to make him more "extreme" by association. Shadow
was the result. As you can see, he's black, has a motorcycle and guns, and I can only assume he
has "attitude."
This is a Shadow
the Hedgehog hat.
Between this hat, the Star Wars t-shirt, and his ensuing
actions, I feel quite safe in describing this man as both a giant nerd (and I'm nerdy) and an
awkward turtle. Allow me to explain. He walked up behind me, glanced at me for a split second, broke eye contact and stared at the
college girls' butts for a full second, looked back at me, met my eyes and saw that I had seen
him look at said asses, and then he looked down and ashamed, all once. He then faded behind a pillar and hid, staying there until the girls left. He did not make eye contact with me again, nor with the cashier.
Neither his nerdiness, nor his awkwardness would have been particularly relevant on their own, but combined... well...
Poor little feller.
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