The Rules: Installment #1

Let us now discuss The Rules.

The Rules are not a system to pick up women. The Rules are not a system to pick up men. The Rules are simply what a referee would use when assigning penalties in the game of love. This is the first installment, more to follow as I think of them.

In no particular order:

Asking out someone at their job:

It shall be considered bad form for a man to ask any woman in a service industry job for her phone number. It is her job to be charming and friendly, the odds are not in your favour, son.

If said woman is interested in you, it shall hereby be the accepted practice for her to write her phone number on your receipt or a business card, preferably with a little heart somewhere. If you are married or have a girlfriend and this happens, it shall be accepted practice for you to feel a little flattered, not to call, and keep it to your fucking self. Your wife or girlfriend will not be impressed that the cute waitress gave you her number.

The corollary is true concerning women asking out male employees: go right ahead, it doesn't happen as often to us. Men shouldn't randomly hand out their phone numbers, like asking out your waitress, the number usually comes across as creepy. If you're the kind of guy that she's going to be hoping for a number from, you're probably not the kind of guy who needs this advice, gnome sayne?

This definitely also applies to receptionists.

The End of Date kiss:

Men, if she hasn't laughed at a joke all night; has been texting the whole time; or pulled her hand away when you tried to hold it - don't move in for the kiss, dumbass. She's not interested and you'll look like a tool. And not a manly tool, like a pneumatic torque wrench, no, you'll look more like an eggcup. Who needs an egg cup, really?

Ladies. The date was fun, but it's just not there for you? It shall henceforth be the policy to offer a preemptive handshake. Men are often bad at picking up subtle clues, woman are often bad at giving subtle clues, no matter what either gender thinks of their respective skills. The handshake will be the accepted way to end the date without drawing out the awkward kiss attempt.

Further, if you do not like to kiss on the first date, but wish to see someone again, be clear about both things.

How to handle an unwanted suitor:

Let's be honest, this mostly applies for women, although I've had to deal with this a time or two myself.

Be blunt, and be blunt soon.

If someone is asking you out and you feel no attraction to them whatsoever (to say nothing of revulsion, which is also completely relevant here), most people will try to let them down easy, so as to avoid bruising feelings. Most of the time, this will be enough. A second attempt by the same suitor must be crushed decisively.

You read that right: crushed.

Any repeated attempt must be answered in a clear, concise and brutally honest manner. Do not waver, do not let them down easy, and do not, under any circumstances, offer excuses for specific evenings or events or end your explanation with the words, "right now." Either of these infractions will leave your pursuer with some fucking hope, keeping them coming back for more.

You are not "being mean." You are saving yourself untold amounts of annoyance and avoiding a potentially major scene down the road.